I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
