She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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