Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
