I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
