I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
