we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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