If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
