I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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