With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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