NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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