If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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