I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
