dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
