I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
