Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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