Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
