i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
