I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
