You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
