There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
