tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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