You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
