I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
