I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
