I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
