dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
