The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
