Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
