my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
