he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
