Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
false alarm. still invincible.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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