i don't like sucking hair
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
