the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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