Need sex. Gaining weight.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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