why didn't you poke me back
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
