she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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