Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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