Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
