Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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