Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
