it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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