Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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