Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I am naked and annoyed.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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