woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
