I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
two words...techno handjob
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
