those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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