I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
