That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
