if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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