If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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