Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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