Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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